sleepless nightsssss

this past few weeks, i haven't really been sleeping well. i get at least eight hours, but i wake up still tired and not ready to face the day. yet, i still drag myself out of the bed. i have been contemplating on calling in sick just so i could stay in bed few minutes longer and see if there is a chance of me feeling rejuvinated after a couple more hours of sleep. yet, i find myself getting ready for another day at work. there are two reasons for me going to work. one reason is that i feel bad for leaving shushana all by herself on the days that winsome is out. secondly, i need the money. christmas is around the corner, horacio has bought almost half of the gifts on our list, i have to do my share too. although i have good reasons for staying at home (i.e. review for my nclex, rest some more or clean the house). i guess i'm just afraid that if i do decide to just stay home, i would just end up staying in bed in my pjs the rest of the day. making it a very unproductive day.

i guess, that's why i miss being back in school. i could always go to school in the morning and if i don't feel good, i could always just come home and rest. although school also requires long nights, i am perfectly fine with it. it makes me feel productive knowing that i am learning new things everyday. writing those ten page papers may be a big pain, but as soon as i submit the paper and receiving a great mark on it, the tiredness and stress fades.

being here in the office, somehow sucks the life out of me. i leave at four everday, yet i come home feeling like i was working 12 hours. i felt like i have no energy left in my life. when i was doing 12 hour shifts in the hospital during nursing school (back-to-back shift) i felt fine. i still have enough energy to even go shopping/window shopping or go out to dinner with friends/family. i guess the difference is that i leave the hospital knowing that i was able to help someone and although there are some patients who just enjoys hating you, i still know that i was able to touch their lives and was able to meet their needs. but here, it's totally different story. although some of my co-worker are fun to work, gossip with. we could still somehow lighten up the mood no matter how tired and eager for our day to end.

i guess... i just need to pass that nclex, move on with my life and see from there...